Sunday, April 15, 2012

Review Rewind: Bride Wars

Check out my old review of Bride Wars starring that blond muppet looking chick who sleeps with everyone in Hollywood and can't act for shit!


Starring: Anne Hathaway, Steve Howey, Kate Hudson, Kristen Johnston , Candice Bergen, Bryan Greenberg, Chris Pratt, Michael Arden, John Pankow, Paul Scheer

Screenplay: Greg DePaul, June Diane Raphael, Casey Wilson

Director: Gary Winick
MPAA Rating: PG for suggestive content, language and some rude behavior.

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 01.09.09

More like Who Gives A Shit Wars.

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. I'm getting tired of these chick flicks. I wish I had a twin sister so she could cover these types of movies for me.

Hey, if you haven't had your fill yet of movies where selfish bitches do things most normal people would never do, then this is the film for you! Liv (Kate Hudson) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) are the bestest of friends. They grew up together and have dreams of one day being married at New York's Plaza Hotel. But things turn sour when the wedding planner (Candice Bergen) screws up and schedules their wedding on the same day, testing their friendship to the ultimate limits, and testing the audience's intelligence when they watch such an unfunny, retarded movie.


I'm sure Bride Wars is a lot of fun if you're a woman or a gay dude, but as a guy, I hated this movie. I couldn't understand why these two women started a war with each other because their wedding happened to be on the same day, and neither would budge on the wedding date. I guess the next available date wasn't for years. What happened was they were originally scheduled on separate days. A third woman came in after them and had her wedding scheduled on the same day as either Liv or Emma, I can't remember. So the wedding planner screwed up the schedule and put Liv and Emma together. Now instead of doing the logical thing, which is to tell the 3rd person in the equation that she has to move her wedding date, she tells Emma and Liv that there's nothing she can do. I realize there wouldn't be a movie had they used logic, but don't set up the scenario in such a stupid fashion. Right off the bat you're telling me I'm a goddamn moron and I hate it when movies do that. I know I'm a moron, I don't need you to remind me.


So this starts off a huge girl fight. And what kind of mean nasty things do they do to each other? Well, they dye each other's hair horrible colors, and mess with some tanning lotion. Emma even sends Liv a bunch of chocolates to fatten her up so she can't fit into her exclusive Vera Wang wedding dress. I mean, give me a break. The whole thing is just so juvenile. Writers Greg DePaul, Casey Wilson and June Diane Raphael should have their typewriters taken away from them and told never to try and write comedy again. None of them have any real previous writing credits to their name so I'm not surprised at how shitty the script is.

Kate Hudson, who looks like Tila Tequila with a blond wig (that is not a compliment) giggle bitches her way through another annoying performance. I'm still not sure why she's famous. She's missing the good looks of her mother and the talent of her stepfather, so her celebrity by association is just bothersome. Anne Hathaway is ok in her role. I really have nothing bad to say about her, although if you were to give me a couple of minutes I'm sure I cold come up with something besides her mouth being so big she could probably stuff an entire thick crust pepperoni pizza inside of it.

Are they using wires to hold up that dress? Because nothing else could be.
This is a short review because I don't have the time or patience to get into it any further. If your girlfriend drags you to see this then you should dump her immediately and find someone with better taste. Sign a prenup before seeing Bride Wars because as soon as you leave the theater you'll be filing for divorce.

Eat balls, Kate Hudson.

-El Guapo