Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Review Rewind: Channing Tatum In 'Dear John'


"The Vow" opens this Friday. Let's take a look back at a previous Channing Tatum tear-jerker called "Dear John."

With "The Vow" opening this Friday I thought I would take a look back at my review for one of Channing tatum's previous roles where he makes out with a girl who eventually fucks him over, or he fucks them over or someone fucks someone else over called "Dear John." I apologize in advance if you've never seen it. The review, not the movie.


Dear John

Starring: Richard Jenkins, Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried, Henry Thomas

Screenplay: Jamie Linden

Director: Lasse Hallstrom
MPAA Rating: PG 13 for some sensuality and violence.

VIEW FILM PREVIEW
Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 02.04.10

Dear God, please make it end.

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. I thought drinking the blood of a Unicorn would give me powers. Boy, that fortune cookie was WAY off!

Dear John,

I can't believe how long it has been since you left for the war. I remember when we first met like it was yesterday...I accidentally dropped my purse off of the pier when I was hanging out with my friends, including that one guy who has a crush on me, and you jumped off the pier into the water to retrieve my purse! After I invited you to my house for a bbq, we got to know each other, and the rest is...well...you know, magic.

I'm so glad I got to meet your retarded father. He was very sweet and has a very impressive collection of coins. Though I do sense some tension between you two. Oh, John...why are you so far away from me? Our romance was just like the one in the beginning of Grease. We had our own Summer Lovin'! But you had to go back to the Middle East to finish out your tour of duty. I'm glad you promised you'd leave the military once your tour was up to stay with me.

I miss you.

Love,

El Guapo


Dear El Guapo,

Thanks fer writin' yo! Ya, the summer was dope. We totally hung out and I taught you how to surf and we cuddled and made out in the rain. Which is weird because I thought that kind of thing only happened in stupid love story movies used for dramatic effect to hammer into the audience how important the love is between the two people! Word.

Ya, war sux, but I'm hangin' in. Why do you think my Dad is a retard? I mean, ya, he's a little slow and keeps cooking meatloaf, and we don't get along all that great, but he did give me a coin that I always keep on me.

I had fun meeting your friends, except for that one dude that has a crush on you. Sorry about me pounding the guy at your party. Dude stepped up to me and I ain't no punk! Hey how's your neighbor friend Tim? You know, the guy that looks like Elliott from that E.T. movie and he has that dopey kid? Dude was pretty cool.

Alright, I gotta go. The guys are gonna start up a game of flag football. Can't miss that! LOLZ!! Write me back, k!

Chest sweat and kisses,

John


Dear John,

What does LOLZ mean? I don't understand. Is that military code for “Love yOu Lots”? I bet it is. You're so sweet. Things have been good. I've been riding the horses and I'm going to start my own summer horse camp! I've been wanting to do it for a while. It will keep me busy while you're out shooting those dirty sand people. Things have been slow and boring. It's like I'm living in one of those movies where nothing happens for the first hour and you're wondering why you went to see it in the first place, you know? Almost like one of those stupid Nicholas Sparks movies.

I visited your Dad the other day and he showed me his giant coin collection again. Your Dad is awesome. I wish my father cooked meatloaf and collected coins like some innocent handicapped adult. Anyways, I should let you go. I'll see you in two weeks when you get out for a weekend and we can make plans to spend the rest of our lives together when your tour is over!

Snuggle huggles,

El Guapo

Dear El Guapo,

Man, that weekend was short. But I had a great time cuddling by the beach. I'm sorry that I was “excited” the entire time. Kind of tough hanging out with nothing but dudes all day. But the thought of coming back here, even though my tour is almost up, sucks. Ya, only a few more months, yo!

Bye, baberz!

John


Dear John,

Oh my God! I can't believe the attacks that happened on 9/11! You guys must be freaking out! Are you ok? Are you hurt? Please write me back!

Love you sooooooooooo much,

El Guapo

Dear El Guapo,

I'm fine! Nothing going on over here but I think some of the guys are re-enlisting because of the attacks. Don't worry, I'm not going to re-enlist. How is my Dad? Is he doing ok? I gotta tell you, I'm wondering why we don't start sending e-mails. Don't you have the internet where you are? I mean, we're out in the middle of nowhere but we're hooked up in the desert so I'm surprised you guys aren't. Plus we can send pics and stuff if we start using e-mail. My e-mail addy is johngotabigdong78@military.gov This handwriting thing is kind of dopey. Check it out - I just downloaded Boyz N the Hood off BitTorrent. Ever do that? It's mad cool. I've got like, all the seasons of Desperate Housewives too. Sarge hates it because sometimes we get viruses on his laptop. Oh, well! Get some anti-virus, noob! N-E-WYZ, what else is going on?

Hit me back!

Love,

John

Dear John,

Oh my God! I'm so excited to hear back from you! Why did it take so long for you to write back? I bet the mail is being screened even more now, huh? I'm really glad you're not re-enlisting. We have OUR lives to lead now. Imagine, now we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. I've already got our life plan all mapped out and you can go work security or something until you go back to school. You'll get to wake up next to me everyday for the next 50-60-100 years! And take care of me when I'm sick and everything! And I want lots of kids! Like ten kids! Oh John. It will be so fantastic. I can't wait to see you when you get out!


Dear El Guapo,

Uh....ya. So anyways, I've re-enlisted in the military. Now hold on. Before you start trippin' like a crazy chick, let me explain myself. I got a crew of bros here that depend on me. And after these towelies just blew up our buildings, I can't just leave now and live with you in that nice big house with lots of countryside and have sex everyday. I have to stay here and defend my country and kill all of these bad guys! Besides, it's only for two more years and I know you understand. Our love is eternal, right? See, I knew you'd understand.

Write me back ok? I don't wanna get shot in the shoulder and make people think I died or something. That's like, something out of those cheesy chick movies.

Love,

John

p.s. I etched your name on all of my bullets. Now even the bad guys know you got looks that kill! ROTFLMFAO!!!!! Miss yo kiss.


Hey John,

Sorry it's been like a year since I wrote you last. Guess I was upset that you went back on your word and re-enlisted. But I'm not mad. Oh, I almost forgot...Remember my neighbor Tim? I've been banging him. Soooo, ya. Awkward. Anyways, just thought you should know that we're getting married and stuff. Don't be too mad, ok? Friends?

El Guapo

Dear Slutwhore,

I hate your guts. My Dad is having retard complications and I gotta go back and see him now. And check this out - I DID GET SHOT IN THE SHOULDER. But the pain of you shooting me in the heart is even worse. I hope you and your stupid ugly E.T. husband and his stupid retard kid all die in a horrible house fire. Maybe one that gets started while the three of you are snuggling on the couch watching The Waltons?

I don't care if deep down you truly love me, you're a backstabbing skank and I'll never take you back. What, did you think this was like that stupid movie The Notebook? No way, sweetienuts. Ya, I came to visit when I got back, and you tried to reconcile with me? You think I'm a fool? This is all mancake, baby. This playa don't get played. Know what this feels like? This feels like some really long, boring movie that pretends to be real life and just ends with no point to it and sometimes someone cries but who cares because they're probably a mental basket case anyway. That's what this feels like. I hope you and E.T. boy have a baby after 12 months of trying and it falls down a well and a concrete mixer truck accidentally dumps cement down it.

If someone did make a movie out of our story, they should call it “Dear John, I'm A Selfish Whore Who Deserves To Get Anus Cancer”.

Peace out beeyatch,

John