Thursday, January 19, 2012

Review Rewind: 'Whiteout' Starring Kate Beckinsale

To celebrate the opening of "Underworld: Awakening," let's take a look back at one of Kate's bigger bombs.

This was one of my favorite reviews because I hated the movie so much. And if I hate a movie, the review is almost always fun to write. So here's my review of Kate Beckinsale's "Whiteout," a film that sucked major ass.

Rating: D

Starring: Gabriel Macht, Kate Beckinsale, Columbus Short, Alex O'Loughlin

Screenplay: Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber, Alexander Stuart

Director: Dominic Sena

Reviewed by: George 'El Guapo' Roush - 09.11.09

Not surprised this disaster is opening on 9/11.

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. For a super secret review, press up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Start. Cheat codes can be accessed by repeatedly pressing F5.

Alright boys, get your wieners in position because Kate Beckinsale is once again going to flash her hot milf ass across the screen. This time she plays U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko, assigned to a remote area of Antarctica. Carrie is about to go on a long vacation from this winter wonderland when she discovers a co-worker's body way out in the frozen tundra. A body that has no right being there, dead or otherwise. Instead of telling her friend and camp doctor John Fury (Tom Skerritt) to ship the body out and let someone else deal with it, Carrie wants to solve what is an apparent murder. I don't know what's more unbelievable, that a hot chick like Kate Beckinsale is playing a U.S. Marshal stationed in a remote area of Antarctica with nothing but dudes around her, or that this fucking doctor has a name like John Fury.

So begins Whiteout, or X-Files For Dummies as I like to call it. Carrie, who as a U.S. Marshal, is so fucking stupid that she can't figure out how this guy got so far out in the middle of nowhere with a smashed in face and an axe in his body. Gosh, let me see...He was thrown out of an airplane, Nancy Drew? Seriously, if I could figure it out in five seconds, then what the hell is going on with this movie? Realizing that there's a murderer amongst them, and just hours before a whiteout is coming that will keep the camp snowed in for six months, Carrie wants to solve this case. I want Carrie to accidentally trip and fall into the mouth of a polar bear.

Can't see shit, yo!
But Carrie must also deal with her own demons, something we learn from convenient flashbacks that are scattered throughout the film. Instead of being told was the fuck happened to her, we have to deal with this flashback bullshit over and over and over again. Apparently, Carrie and her partner took down a drug lord in Florida or something, only Carrie ended up being double crossed by her partner. She then transferred to Antarctica to try and deal with what happened. I think she capped his ass or something. I can't remember, I might have been picking my butt at the time. We now know why Carrie is in Antarctica. We now empathize with her and want her to get past her demons. Oh, who are we kidding, we just want her to get butt ass naked. And it almost happens with a shower scene where Kate takes off her 70 layers of clothing and shows off her hard rock bod in a sports bra before jumping into said shower. And right when all of us males were getting ready to finish ourselves in the screening, in walks Tom Skerritt. If anything can kill a boner, it's Tom Skerritt.

Our mystery of meh continues, as Carrie meets Robert Pryce (Gabriel Macht) sent in from the U.N. or the CIA or some silly fucking organization, I don't remember. Not that it matters anyway, he could have been sent in from the Boy Scouts and we'd have to deal with it. Along with ace master black pilot Delfy (Columbus Short), the three, along with Dr. JOHN FURY, discover a Soviet plane that had gone down during the 50's (we see this at the beginning of the movie) but had apparently already been discovered by another team. How does the body tie in with this airplane? Why was another team of scientists at the airplane? What did they take? What secrets does it hold? Is it nuclear, like we're led to believe? Why hasn't Kate Beckinsale gotten naked yet? What is wrong with Kate Beckinsale thinking she's better than everybody else by not getting naked in -55 degree weather? Why is this review all over the place? Who the hell do I think I am that I can come in and write reviews anyway?

Wait, is this Kate or the bad guy or...
Our heroes are trapped in the airplane after an avalanche blocks their exit. They can't dig their way out because it would take too long, so Robert rigs one of the hatches to blow on the top of the cabin so they can escape. I'm not exactly sure why this scene is in the movie, but whatever. I needed some sort of action to keep me awake and I'm pretty sure the writers were thinking the same thing. More importantly, this lets us know that Robert is not the killer, because he not only wants to save himself, but others. A true killer does not care about the welfare of others, and after blowing the hatch, would have climbed out first then kept poking everyone else in the eyes as soon as their heads popped out. Because killers love to poke people in the eyes.

And we do know there is an actual killer because he chases Kate a couple of times during the movie. He's wearing the latest in fashionable snow gear, and instead of Kate just taking her gun out of her jacket and shooting the fucking guy, she has to run through the hallways while he barely misses killing her with an ice axe. Only later do we learn that it's another person who works at the camp. He's someone we've seen before and yes, you will know who it is because they're the only person who has a line for no fucking reason near the beginning of the movie and isn't seen since. Actually, if you can't figure out who the bad guys are, then you need to go back inside the house because Encyclopedia Brown is looking to kick your ass. This isn't a mystery thriller, this is a Scooby-Doo episode set in the snow.

OH SHIT! Turn around, Kate! That shadow is ready to bore you to death!
And that's the problem with Whiteout. The whole thing is just so dumb. By the time it's revealed what was actually in the airplane, who took it and what they did with it, you're already wondering how much time you have to get your car washed before going grocery shopping. And not only is Whiteout dumb, it's dull. I mean, talk about a movie that tries to pretend a lot of shit is happening when in reality, there's nothing going on. Oh sure, there's a couple of chase scenes, and there's an action sequence with our two protagonists and the killer outside during the whiteout, but you can't really see what's going on. Why is that? Because it's taking place DURING A FUCKING WHITEOUT. Now, I know that's the name of the movie and that the whiteout had to come into play sometime during the picture, but with everyone bundled up and tethered to ropes so the winds don't blow them away, the action sequence is merely a bunch of people pulling themselves along a rope towards a door with a ton of white shit blowing all over the screen. In fact, this film is so dull, not even the actors themselves seem that interested in what's going on.

This is just a small speed bump in Kate's career. This film will appear then disappear quickly in theaters and will be forgotten about. But if you do decide to see it, bring a shovel. Not to dig your way out of the snow, but to pick up all of the shit that the filmmakers left lying around.

Put some gloves on before you decide to follow El Guapo on Twitter.