Thursday, November 10, 2011

Exclusive New Ratner Report! Eat My Ass, Oscars!

Whooooo! What. Is. Up. My. Homies!!! I have a really serious Ratner Report I need to write up for you guys today. A lot of shit went down this past week and I need to address it to my fans straight up, no press media bullshit, G. 

I'll be skipping my mansion update this time. I know you guys are wondering how I'm going to fit a Merry-Go-Round inside my bathroom but I'll share all that shit on my next update. Right now I have some bullshit I gotta address regarding my big fucking sexy mouth. 

I LIKE MEN TOO. D-UH.

Last Sunday, after a screening of my new super kick ass movie "Tower Heist" (now playing everywhere cause that's I roll) I did a little Q&A to treat the people in the crowd after seeing my new movie. I knew they were still on a sugar high after seeing the best fucking comedy to hit theaters since "Rush Hour 3" so I figured I'd give the fans a taste of my genius by answering some of their stupid questions.

Course one of the stupid questions is about how much rehearsing I do in my movies. What a dumb fucking question. So I answered by saying that "Rehearsal is for fags." before making a cock sucking motion with my mouth and dismissing the question with an exaggerated limp wrist. 

WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR MAKING A JOKE. Apparently I offended every single gay and lesbian on the planet by my "insensitive" remark. Haven't any of you seen South Park? That 'fag' word has now been elevated to 'asshole' status. I wasn't talking about gay people at all, man! I love gay people! I work with gay people! Ok, ok. So it was insensitive and I said a word that shouldn't be said anymore. I get it. I apologized right after and I'm apologizing again. If there's one thing I am it's a classy son of a bitch, and I'm known for my professional behavior on and off the set. 

But you guys attacked me like I was fucking Frodo carrying a ring to destroy your homeland. Shit man, I love gay people. Look who I was dressed as for Halloween and tell me I hate the gay community. No fucking way, bro.

Took a Spartacus bath with 6 dudes that night. Pimpin.

So here is my heartfelt, sincerest apology to the gay community. I put my foot in my mouth (it fits in there, I've tried it) and I offended all of my gay brothers and sisters. So for that, I want to offer my sincerest apology. Not some press release horseshit to satisfy the media, this is coming from me to you. I apologize from the bottom of my gold plated unicorn heart. Take that shit to the bank baby. I love all my peeps, gay or straight. So don't worry, I will never say that word ever again.

And why does everyone keeps calling me some frat boy? Well, I'm sorry if I'm off banging grade A- ass like Lindsey Lohan and Olivia Munn. Yes, I totally banged Olivia Munn. I know I said I didn't but I got her confused with someone else because I mixed her up with this Chinese chick I used to bang. Shit I don't even know what ethnic background Olivia is. She Cherokee or something? Doesn't matter cause she was Ratnered repeatedly in the pooper when she was an up and comer. Deny it all you want, sweetie. You know you liked it. And Lohan? Please. Girl was so easy to nail I didn't even have to use a hammer, ifyouknowwhati'msayin.

Now let me address those old bastards who run the Academy. EAT MY ASS, OSCARS! Who do you think you are taking me off of your precious little statue show? You don't let me go, I let you go. You think I need the Oscars? Fuck no. Now you guys are stuck with the lame Oscar parties they throw every year. I was going to HYPE THAT SHIT UP BABY. We're talking Playboy playmates, Swedish bikini team, Hawaiian Tropic girls, and that's for the small parties. I was even gonna put that Kim Karassholian bitch inside a dunk tank filled with crocodiles and donate the proceeds to charity. That charity being the maintenance on my newly purchased Batmobile.

And you want The Muppets to replace me? Fucking hand puppets? What is wrong with you people. And yes, I fucked Miss Piggy too. Repeatedly. And she liked it. Animal watched though which was weird.

Alright, let me go back over my talking points here in case you need this report for your college midterm or something:

1. I love gay people. 

2. I totally banged that Olivia broad and Lindsey Lohan. Lindsey was better. Olivia just talked about herself and pretended she knew shit about video games. The only thing she knew about games was which controllers could fit in her vagina. (They all could, even the fighting arcade sticks.)

3. The Academy can suck my nuts. 
    
4. Batmobile.

Alright my homies, I gotta get the fuck outta here. I have to get back to my crib and install that football field in my backyard so those kids who were molested by that sick football coach fuck have some place to hang out and get over that shit. Figure a football field will help with the road to recovery. Please stop. I'm doing this shit for the kids. I don't get any kickback out of it. (34% sponsorship fees)
  
Be sure to follow me on Twitter, yo. Make my day and yours by doing something right for a change. Don't be a follower in life unless your monkey ass is following my wordz of wizdom on Twitter, bitch.

And just to make sure I don't say dumb shit again in the future, I am going to write up a break-in-case-of-emergency apology letter to the black community in case I fuck up at another Q&A sometime down the road. Always plan ahead.

Peace out, bitches.

-BR