Friday, July 29, 2011

Ya Baby! It's Time For Another Ratner Report!

Guess who's back, ladies! Whooooooo!

Whooooo! What. Is. Up. My. Homies!!! Yep yep, your favorite director and all-around ass kicking motherfucker Brett Ratner is back for another Ratner Report! My good friend and sometimes lawn mowing buddy George “El Guapo” Roush asked if I'd do another guest appearance article for him since I hadn't done one in over a year. Know why I haven't done one in over a year? Cause I'm making movie fucking magic that's why.

I thought I'd give you peeps a quick update on the shit that's been going down with me, my latest mansion updates and of course the Uncle Scrooge money bin amounts of vagina I've been tearing through like rice paper on a daily basis. Not even that British queen-bot Gordon Ramsey can cook up the delicious stuff I've been preparing for you Ratnerholics. So open up and say “Brett” cause my Red Dragon is about to go Rush Hour right into your mouth. GET IT! I incorporated a couple of my movies into that joke! HAHAHAHA! Fuck you guys.

That's how I like 'em. Face down and biting a pillow.

I finally added on to my mansion. I discovered an underground cave that could totally be renovated into a Rat Cave where I could keep my Ratmobile and detective computing equipment. So if your town is filled with crime, expect that to get squashed real quick when I get my shit up and running. The Rat Knight is gonna clean some shit up around here. And since I'm rich and not going to lift a fucking finger I bought a bunch of Thai boys and started putting them to work. Tell you what, those little chinese kids are fucking awesome at building tunnels. They totally remind me of my Tunnel Rat G.I. Joe action figure I have hanging up in my toy room. Too bad I can't find that room anymore. I redesigned the mansion to shift staircases like in Hogwarts. It's awesome but sometimes I have to shit in the kitchen sink because I can't find the bathroom. 

Get the fuck out of my way if you see me on the 405.
How has your summer been so far? I was gonna go to Comic-Con and hang out with my fellow geek fans but I realized I could be on a yacht with a shitload of Playboy playmates so hanging out with you dorks will have to happen another time. I got mouths to feed and only one giant sausage to feed em with. (Total dick joke right there if you missed it.) So after chillin' on Rantasy Island with the entire 2011 Hawaiian Tropic beauty contestants (already went through the 2010 team. Meh.), I decided to head back to the States and finish my movie. Ya, that's right, I still make movies, nukka.

Dunking vagina all day with my boy Shaq.

So Tower Heist is my latest joint and this one is THE SHIT. Like if shit were awesome, my shit would butt fuck it, leave it to die, reincarnate it, and then kill it again because my shit is that fucking dope. These little pussy directors like Webb and Jarmusch and Jackson and Scott and who is that one asshole...del Toro Butthole or whatever his hippie ass name is...those guys can't touch me. Can't even fucking get in the same club as me. I own this town and you bitches are just renting.

Back to Tower Heist. It stars my homie Ben Stiller and my black friend Eddie Murphy. That's right, Eddie “Cop in Beverly” Murphy. Remember him? Cause he's still funnier in one dinner hour than all the “laughs” put together in your stupid show Community. Eddie plays an ex-con who helps Ben and my other cracker friend Matthew Broderick steal money back from an investor who fucked them over. I even got that really large black chick from Precious to be in my shit. I don't know her name so I just throw a donut at her whenever I want to her to get her ass on set. I like her though. Good kid.

Ben Stillin' your heart, baby. YA! WHOOO!

Check out the trailer for my new movie. Go ahead. I'll wait. I'm whooping ass on Bejeweled 2 right now so I can kill a couple minutes.

Fucking badass right? Shit is funny as fuck, yo. Murphy had me laughing like I just found out I had AIDS and the news hadn't settled in yet. That guy still has it, crackin' jokes and throwing his head back and moving it back and forth while he yells shit like, “Why you gotta cut now, Brett? Oh, it's cause I'm a brutha and shit? Brutha can't do no improv on set? Why you keepin' my people back? Huh Brett? Huh? Huh?” Dude had me rollin'.

So here's the poster for it. I had em all lined up like that to show off the pimp cast and my artistic expression when I make my movies. Ever see a poster like this? No you haven't cause genius doesn't exist in your world unless it's something I've created. You think that Hobbit movie is gonna be all creative and artistic cause Jackson is doing it? Bro, I'm teleconferencing with him 24/7 cause he doesn't know how to handle a film of that magnitude. Think he did all that Lord of the Rings shit by himself? Fuck no. Everything in Mordor was filmed on the western side of my property. I wasn't using the volcano that month so I gave his sorry ass a handout. 

So check it bitches, November 4th is when Tower Heist comes out. Mark that shit down on your calendars cause you're gonna be in for a fucking treat. I know how to bring it to audiences and you're gonna get it brought but fucking good this time. So bring a tissue cause you're gonna get a cinematic facial. You think that Fast Five shit was fun? Shit is a bunch of fairies on scooters compared to the high octane action I got planned for you. Like, literal fairies.

Alright peeps, I'm out. I can't write to you all day. I gotta plan my wardrobe for the premiere in a few months and check on these little Serbian kids who are building my Ratcave. Thanks to El Guano for letting me get to update my fans. You know I love all of you and will continue to make movies for YOU. Not for myself like those other selfish dicks like Spielberg and Coppola. You want an autograph? I'll sign whatever titties you show and say hello to your mama cause I'm a pimp and I appreciate everything you've done for me.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter, yo. I got the tweets that make the whole world sing, and you fans are gonna get hoarse from screaming out my name all day. Just ask those Hawaiian Tropic chicks. They still have sore throats from getting the Rat pounded out of them for 24 days straight.

Peace out, bitches.