The long holiday weekend is upon us and I just wanted to share "4 American Things to do 4 the 4th of July Weekend".
Set off fireworks in dry areas.
Watch every Michael Bay movie.
Eat as much as you can.
Hey, it's the holiday! You've got three days of BBQ, burgers, fries, hot dogs and anything else you can stuff into your face. You'll go back your regular diet on Tuesday, right? So why not treat yourself by pigging out until you throw up. Only 64% of Americans are overweight. That's like, 78% of Americans left (my math may be off) in the country that are rocking a six-pack and running 64k marathons! By the time next Friday rolls around, you'll have already worked off that fried clam chowder and 240 oz. Mountain Dew. Celebrate the holidays the only way an American can - by eating them.
Drink and drive.
One thing Americans love to do during the 4th of July weekend is drink a ton of alcohol and get in their car. How else are you supposed to get to all the other parties? A taxi? Screw that. The economy sucks and you don't want your car left at some stranger's house. Besides, we all know driving while intoxicated isn't the scary story the media makes it out to be. And what happened to Ryan Dunn was a total freak accident and the Porsche he was driving probably hit a banana peel or something cause I'm pretty sure that dude would be good at drinking and driving. Even if you killed someone like he did, you'll be remembered by everyone for all the good things you did in life, so don't sweat the bad rep. And if the cops catch you, it's a minor infraction and they'll hold your vehicle for you in their private parking structure while you hang out at their offices for a few hours drinking coffee. Don't be a commie bastard by not drinking just because you're driving. Be a real American and do a shitload of keg stands before racing your Accord down a suburban street. GO AMERICA!!!
- El Guapo