Friday, July 1, 2011

4 American Things To Do 4 The 4th of July Weekend

It's party time!

The long holiday weekend is upon us and I just wanted to share "4 American Things to do 4 the 4th of July Weekend".

Set off fireworks in dry areas. 

Nothing screams Americana like blowing up shit for God's Great Weekend. And to do that, you have to purchase every giant firework you can and blow the holy hell out of planet Earth once you've done so. Since it'll be hot and a lot of people will be out, find a nice dry area away from everyone, preferably around a bunch of brush and trees to disguise yourself from the cops and go to town. Bring a bucket of water in case a small fire starts but that is a rare occurrence in dry areas with fireworks. For added fun, shoot some bottle rockets at your friend's faces!

Watch every Michael Bay movie. 

Michael Bay is so patriotic he shits apple pie and pees freedom. He showcases his love of America through his movies and as an American, it is your duty to watch every single on of them, all weekend long. Start with "Bad Boys" and "The Rock", pausing at "Pearl Harbor" to reflect on the American lives that have been sacrificed in order to give Michael Bay the freedom to stupify them on screen. After Armageddon, a movie where AMERICANS go into outer space and cosmofuck an asteroid, shoot some guns into the air as you watch a bunch of robots fighting in Transformers. Once you're done, head to the theater and watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon while you do blow off a hooker's tits.

Eat as much as you can.

Hey, it's the holiday! You've got three days of BBQ, burgers, fries, hot dogs and anything else you can stuff into your face. You'll go back your regular diet on Tuesday, right? So why not treat yourself by pigging out until you throw up. Only 64% of Americans are overweight. That's like, 78% of Americans left (my math may be off) in the country that are rocking a six-pack and running 64k marathons! By the time next Friday rolls around, you'll have already worked off that fried clam chowder and 240 oz. Mountain Dew. Celebrate the holidays the only way an American can - by eating them.

Drink and drive.

One thing Americans love to do during the 4th of July weekend is drink a ton of alcohol and get in their car. How else are you supposed to get to all the other parties? A taxi? Screw that. The economy sucks and you don't want your car left at some stranger's house. Besides, we all know driving while intoxicated isn't the scary story the media makes it out to be. And what happened to Ryan Dunn was a total freak accident and the Porsche he was driving probably hit a banana peel or something cause I'm pretty sure that dude would be good at drinking and driving. Even if you killed someone like he did, you'll be remembered by everyone for all the good things you did in life, so don't sweat the bad rep. And if the cops catch you, it's a minor infraction and they'll hold your vehicle for you in their private parking structure while you hang out at their offices for a few hours drinking coffee. Don't be a commie bastard by not drinking just because you're driving. Be a real American and do a shitload of keg stands before racing your Accord down a suburban street. GO AMERICA!!!

Party on.

- El Guapo