Monday, June 20, 2011

El Guapo Presents: 5 Ways To 'Twilight' Prepare Yourself For This Year's Comic-Con.


Well, it's here. Another July. Another San Diego Comic-Con. The past two years I've written 10 reasons why Comic-Con sucks, broken up over two articles. Since I've run out of reasons why it sucks (I'm lying, I haven't), I thought this year's Comic-Con article would be of a more helpful kind of piece. Something to prepare you for the impending doom.

Now you say to yourself, “Fatty, it's Comic-Con. I went last year for the first time and loved it. Why is Guapo telling me it's horrible? I had a great time.”

Because my friend... you never went when they had a Twilight panel. Comic-Con is bad enough as it is with the crowds, the heat, and the one guy that insists on wearing Crocs, but it's even worse when Summit Entertainment decides to promote their latest Twilight movie. And this year should top them all since they will be promoting “Breaking Dawn Part I”, turning Hall H into a rabid warehouse of screaming 12 year-old girls looking to enter womanhood via Taylor Lautner's glistening chest.

In 2009, people had lined up two days prior to Comic-Con opening to get into Hall H for the Twilight panel. This year? This year Summit will host one of the first panels on Thursday July 21st to kick off the convention. Which means it will once again be absolute madness with fans expecting to line up days before the convention. How can fans and non-fans of Twilight get thru this intimidating experience? Well, that's why I'm here.

El Guapo Presents: 5 Ways To 'Twilight' Prepare Yourself For This Year's Comic-Con.

5.
Line up now.

Ska-reeeewed.

Ya, I know it's June and the Con isn't until the end of July. But what kind of bullcrap excuse is that? You're a fan of Twilight, aren't you? AREN'T YOU? I mean, school is out and I'm pretty sure you're not doing anything besides making shitty YouTube compilation videos of Edward and Bella making out to some terrible Evanescence song. So tell your parents you're going to stay with your friends down in San Diego for the next few weeks for a special summer camp devoted to tweens who obsess over all things Twilight. I know if you were my kid I'd want you out of the damn house so I could finally tear down those stupid Jacob posters hanging up in the bedroom, garage, kitchen and bathroom. I hate taking a crap while Bella's staring at me with those dead eyes of hers. It's creepy.

4.
Bring 'Twilight Sucks' Signs.

I don't understand your kids either.

For those who aren't into Twilight and all of the blessings and joy it brings womankind, make sure you show your distaste for it by making signs that say, “Twilight ruined my nerd experience,” or, “I would have totally gotten laid this year if it wasn't for Twilight,” or, “Fuck sit-ups.” Because nothing screams, “My opinion matters!” like a stupid sign made by a stupid person about a stupid movie at a stupid convention.

3.
Research For Your Important Panel Question.

Laughing all the way to the bank. And at your question.

Look, every 47 year-old mother has already asked whether or not Robert Pattinson wears boxers, boxer briefs or like to rock it commando. And we all know about Kristen Stewart's crazy days at Juliard. But what is left to be asked of our Twilight stars that hasn't been asked yet? Do some research. Here are some questions that you can ask the panel if you're able to get to the microphone:

In meters, what is the combined size of the Wolfpack if they all got hard at the same time and who is the biggest?

How rampant is the sex and drug use on set?

Taylor, have you ever bedded an older woman? One that looks like me?

Kristen, how many medics are on set when you accidentally walk into a pole or tree?

2.
Fight back!!!

Average age of Comic-Con/Twilight hater.

If you really hate what Twilight has done to your precious comic book convention that mainly houses things about movies and television, then the only thing you can logically do is fight back. And you have to do this in the most violent ways possible. Bring a box of razor blade filled tomatoes and start to throw them at the kids and parents waiting in line for Thursday's panel. If you run out of tomatoes, watermelons and coconuts are also acceptable substitutes. You can also buy a ton of Twilight merchandise, wear it, and set yourself on fire as you run through the crowd, igniting as many as you can before your brave demise.

Or, do what this guy did last year and just stab a bitch.


1. Bring a rape prevention kit.
Totally normal.
Since the only people that would wait for two days straight for a Twilight panel are little girls and their single moms who envision one more night of lusty sex with a 20 year old bare-chested, tan Twi-god, they should bring a rape prevention kit with them. Because the Twilight series is specifically geared toward women, if there is a guy in line, there is a 99.9% chance that he is a rapist.
Do not be fooled by his, “Hey, you're a fan too?” opening line. It is merely a ruse to get you into his Target purchased Stansport Black Granite Hunter Buddy Tent where he will rape you within an inch of your life. Nobody likes to even think about rape but there were 532 rapes reported at the last Comic-Con when Twilight appeared and that number has to get down to 0 for this year. So thank me later when you whistle blow the hell out of some strange weirdo in a Team Anal t-shirt offering you a Cullen cupcake.
I hope these 5 tips helped you whether you're for or against Twilight at Comic-Con and that you use these tips wisely. Aw, who am I kidding. No matter how you feel about Twilight you're probably going to San Diego Comic-Con anyway, which means your head is already up your ass.

Cougar life.
- El Guapo