Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Drew McWeeney Is Not Brave.

I've had enough McWeeney in my life and I'll tell you why.

The other day Drew "McBeard" "McWriter" "McPompous" McWeeney wrote an article about how disappointed he was in Disney's "John Carter" teaser poster. I did not agree with Mr. Drew and wrote my own article (via his suggestion). I gave well thought out, constructive criticism on why I thought Mr. McWeenster was way off the mark in his opinion of Disney's marketing campaign. The debate should have ended there, especially since I was right and he was wrong. Did it end? 

No, it did not. 

Drew McWeeninator wrote a brand new article about Disney/Pixar's latest teaser poster for their upcoming animated film "Brave". Want to see the poster? Here it is.

I'm sorry, but what in the hell am I looking at here? The back of some ginger's head walking in the Scottish Highlands? Or is it some girl hanging out at the Japanese Gardens in San Jose? I don't know because the poster tells me NOTHING about this movie. She has a bow and arrow, there are four blue lights following her and a tagline that says "Change Your Fate" Now what the fuck does that mean? Change my fate? Why does this girl have a bow and arrow? Where exactly is she? This tells me nothing about the movie. I don't even know what this chick looks like. Is she hot? Will I want to Google her and have her as my iPhone wallpaper, finally replacing the 'R' rated Sleeping Beauty one I've had on there for a year?  NO. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE HER.

But Drew? Oh, Drew loved it. Drew came in his McDockers over it. He said, "There's no real narrative, but what they sell is a beautiful, rugged countryside, a little girl with a bow, and her absolute lack of fear in the face of a giant bear attacking her."

A giant bear? What giant bear? What the hell are you smoking sir? I do not see a giant bear on this poster. I see giant letters, but I do not see a giant bear. Is this one of those trick posters where you're supposed to stare at it until your eyes bleed or you see the hidden image, which ever comes first?
Are you talking about this? 

 That's not the same bear from the concept art at the top of this article. That's obviously a..a...lost Irishman! And back in the Scottish days of old the only good Irishman was a dead Irishman! So of course her bow is drawn. A bear. How silly.

Even if it was a bear, who said it was attacking her? Have you ever seen a Disney cartoon? The animals are always cuddly and wanting to be friends with everyone. The only jerk bear was that one from "The Fox and the Hound" and they took care of his ass. Ya, ok, so that tiger in "The Jungle Book" was kind of a dick, but lucky for Mowgli he had a BEAR to assist him. And those films performed poorly because of the disgusting aggressive animal acts. Don't expect Pixar to make those same mistakes. No, sir.

Drew, you are way off on your assessment of this teaser poster. It tells people nothing. All it tells them is that this chick has a bow and arrow and she shits blue lights, while a poster like John Carter told us everything we needed to know about the film. You're article about Brave was anything but.

Don't make me take you to school again McWeeney cause I guarantee you'll run out of pencils. Or end up a year behind. Ya, that's it. You'll end up a year behind, you big dumb dumb you!

Class dismissed.

- El Guapo